When I was 10 years old, my parents got divorced. My dad, like many men, kept many screws, nuts, bolts, etc, ‘because they might be useful’. We moved to a more suitable home and I suggested to my mum that the shed-full of these items wasn’t needed – my father had moved abroad, so wasn’t going to take them himself. She insisted they came with us. 20 years later, she downsized, to a flat. No shed. How many times had those screws come in useful? Although I can’t tell you exactly, I’m pretty sure it was fewer than the number of fingers on one hand. And so out they went.
Everyone keeps things ‘because they might be useful’. But it is good to really think about how often that might actually be the case, or whether really, especially as you get older, you wouldn’t use so many DIY items; maybe you would be more likely to get someone in to do the work for you, who would bring their own tools, etc. It might be worth questioning your use of dinner services, tea sets and other items for entertaining. As you downsize you are less likely to have people round for dinner, and you are already at a point where you prefer others to do the catering for you.
If you need help deciding how many milk jugs and vases you should keep in your downsize, do get in touch with us and we’d be glad to help.
Claire Edwards, Registered Nurse and Eldercare Consultant, provides independent care advice to older people and their families. She gives us her thoughts here, having read a newspaper article from a family carer.
I recently read a letter to a national newspaper, written and sent by the wife and carer of a gentleman living with dementia. The full range of emotions expressed by her made me reflect on the fact that they are undoubtedly shared by so many spouses the length and breadth of the country – namely love, compassion, exhaustion, frustration, resentment, anger and guilt.
The writer is supported by visiting carers four times a day, has received counselling and been offered time out and considers herself to be better off than many people, but after 15 years she feels she is coping badly. She is as mindful of her daughter’s right to live the life she has created for herself as she is of her husband’s wish not to be cared for in a care home, and therein lie her feelings of despair.
The response her letter was given by the columnist was equally compelling. She describes humanity, goodness and selflessness, but also delivers a compassionate reminder of just how important it is to accept help offered by close relatives, for that close relative’s sake as well for the health and wellbeing of the care giver. She also points out that there often comes a time when 24-hour care provided by experienced and trained professionals is the right care option.
I couldn’t agree more. The message is clear – if you find yourself in this situation, do not be too quick to turn down additional support or close your eyes to alternative care options. You are, after all, only human and a promise made based on historic facts may well need to be revisited in the best interests of the person in need of care.
Claire invites anyone who finds themselves in this position and needs practical and emotional support to get in touch.
Did you know that your fire brigade isn’t just there to help you when there’s a fire or a road incident? They also help with fire prevention advice. Fire brigades offer a home visit to make sure you are safe in your home. Check with your local fire station to see what they offer. As well as tips on fire safety the visit may include fitting smoke or heat alarms, and they can also fit specialist alarms for those who are hard of hearing which include strobe lights and vibrating mats under your pillow.
Fire brigades also need to know if there is a hoarding issue in order to be able to respond appropriately in the case of an emergency and to protect neighbouring properties.
If you would like to know whether your home is as safe as it can be, you can use this online fire safety check, which takes you through your home room by room. Even if you think you are fire safe, it is worth going through it: https://www.safelincs.co.uk/hfsc/
Getting older can be a bit annoying. If you have osteoarthritis, you can lose your grip; if you have declining eye sight, you can’t see things as clearly; and your balance may have started to falter. So here are some easy things that might help you:
Get a small rubber mat or a plastic gripper tool to help you open jars and things. Often turning it is still hard but if you push a little to the right with the gripper and to the left with your other hand, it can become really easy.
Use a lazy susan in a cupboard so you can get to all your bottles and jars when it becomes harder to reach for things.
If you use shower gel in the shower but handling the bottle is tricky, get a pump action top. Or if you still like soap, put it in a thin sock, which will make it much easier to grip.
Shower caddies that hang over the taps or levers might save you from slipping if that stops you reaching for stuff. Even better, if balance is an issue do make sure you have grip handles installed and also a shower seat.
If you can’t always see remote control buttons then you can put a dot of nail varnish on the ones you want to use. In fact, nail varnish is great for marking keys too, so if you are always fumbling between two that look similar, use nail varnish on one of the keys.
Another thing that works for the remote control is to get someone to put masking tape over all the buttons you don’t use, and you can then see the ones you need much more easily.
Get rid of all your rugs – they are the worst trip hazard ever!
If you have an Alexa you can set medication and other reminders. If you don’t, you can use your smartphone. I’ve done these for years!
We hope you’ve found these useful, and if you need a hand with setting up any of the above, let us know, we can help.
I’ve found it necessary to rent an office twice during the 21 years of having my own business. On the first occasion I needed space for staff, and on the second my home just didn’t have room for a desk. However, much more of my work now is done at my clients’ homes, and my own home can now accommodate a desk.
Having an office at home, whether you work for yourself, are employed, or need a dedicated office space when you are retired, can become a dumping ground for papers and such like. I find I become unproductive if I have too much around me. It can be hard to keep on top of as I’m constantly bringing things back that I am sorting for other people, but it is totally worth being on top of it, for the ‘zen’ feeling it gives you.
The lovely people at Brother (who make printers and who have very good customer service I may add!) have come up with a list of five things to help you be more comfortable and productive, so have a read here:
This month’s guest blog is written by Kayane Watson, a certified Thrive Coach, exploring how to deal with the overwhelm of caring for elderly parents.
Do you often find yourself overwhelmed by the emotional demands of caring for an elderly parent while struggling to meet their expectations?
Caring for an elderly parent is a profound act of love and commitment, but it might come with challenges that can leave you feeling drained, frustrated, or even at times guilty. Many adult children find themselves caught between fulfilling their parent’s needs and managing their own lives, unsure of how to balance everything.
Looking after an elderly parent can evoke a range of emotions: from guilt when you can’t meet all their expectations to resentment when their demands feel overwhelming. It’s common to experience emotional fatigue, especially when juggling caregiving responsibilities with work, family, or personal needs. You might feel isolated, as though no one truly understands the weight you carry. It’s crucial to acknowledge these feelings without judgment—they’re a natural response to a challenging situation.
Establishing boundaries with your elderly parent isn’t just about protecting your time or energy; it’s about preserving the relationship you have with them. Without boundaries, resentment can build, leading to tension and misunderstandings. Clear and compassionate boundaries help both you and your parent understand what is realistic, ensuring that everyone’s needs are considered. It’s not about saying “no” to them; it’s about saying “yes” to a sustainable relationship where care is balanced.
Here are some practical tips and advice to get you attuned with your emotions and feelings as well as gradually building a healthier boundary with an elderly parent;
Practice emotional awareness: Take time to reflect on your feelings. Journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or a professional can help you process the emotions tied to caregiving.
Communicate openly and kindly: Use “I” statements to express your needs without blame. For example, “I feel stressed when I receive last-minute requests. Can we plan together ahead of time so we’re both prepared?”
Set clear limits: Decide what you can and cannot do. Be honest with yourself about your capacity and communicate these limits to your parent.
Learn the power of constructive “no”: Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care. For instance, if a request is beyond your ability, you could say, “I’m unable to do that, but let’s find someone who can help.”
Focus on self-care: Make time for activities that recharge you—whether it’s exercise, hobbies, or simply enjoying a hot drink without distractions. Your well-being is essential to providing effective care.
Seek support: Don’t hesitate to ask for help from other family members, friends, or professional caregivers. Caregiving doesn’t have to be a solo journey.
Here’s a powerful reminder to inspire and ground you:“I am doing my best, and that is enough. By caring for myself, I am better able to care for my parent.”
Remember, caregiving is a journey of love and dedication, but it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. By doing so, you’re not only ensuring a healthier relationship with your parent but also preserving your emotional and physical health for the long term.
If the above resonates and you would like some help, you can get in touch with Kayane at linktr.ee/thrive.with.k Kayane helps people who struggle with stress, anxiety, depression and phobias, live better by teaching them how to thrive in life by taking them through The Thrive Programme. Anyone can thrive when they understand how they can be mentally stronger, resilient and in control of their emotions. Everyone has the ability to create and live the best life possible.
It’s Valentine’s day today and so we would like to wish you love and kindness.
On February 17th, in just a few days, it is National Random Acts of Kindness Day. No coincidence that these two dates fall within a few days of each other. Last year the Evening Standard gave us a fabulous list of ideas you could do on this day and we thoroughly endorse all of them. You can have a read here.
If you can do one of those things for an older person in your community that would be even more special. Helping a neighbour is definitely something you could do as a one-off, or even on a regular basis. Or why not volunteer to help members of your community as there are so many organisations that need help from people. You can still do random acts of kindness in addition to regular acts of kindness!
Some people find the act of decluttering simple, and some find it very difficult. It can be a bit like baring your soul to a counsellor – difficult at first, but rewarding as you spend more time doing it, and something that will open you up to new possibilities at home and in your life as you let go of your ‘stuff’.
When we are decluttering with clients, we find that we are operating in a similar role to that of a counsellor. We hear so much about clients’ memories, both good and bad, and about their families and their families’ experiences. It can really help to talk about these things to help process memories and allow items to be given away and rehomed. Memories can be fun, or they can be a reminder of painful times, and sometimes talking about those difficult memories are the most important in helping you let go of items.
If the idea of talking to someone about your life or getting them to help you in your home seems tricky, then one easy way to start decluttering, is to implement the ‘one in one out’ policy. If you buy a book, give away a book you already own. If you buy a new dress, give away a dress you own. If someone gives you a candle, give away (or quickly use!) a candle. If they give you a mug, give away a mug. People don’t know that you’ve given away something they gave you. If it gave you pleasure when you received it, it’s done its work and you can let it give someone else pleasure now.
To help other people minimise their clutter, when you give presents, give people experiences (theatre, a meal out, a cinema ticket) or things that are consumable (food, drink, flowers). There are many subscriptions you can get for consumable gifts.
If you need help to make a start, either by having a declutter plan or having someone be with you, do get in touch and we can book in an exploratory call.
If you are looking at getting help from a domiciliary carer for your loved one, there are some practical things to think about once you know you will be using their service:
Declutter the rooms they will need to be in. This is important because your loved one’s home is the carer’s work place and it needs to be safe for them too. Extra equipment in the home may well be needed so there should be space for this, and for the carer and your loved one to be able to move around as a pair.
Ensure all of your loved one’s post, filing and general paperwork are up to date. Then, when new items arrive, they will be easy to fileand keep on top of. If everything is already out of order, it takes longer to deal with and to find things when you need them.
Write simple instructions for the washing machine and how / when your loved one wants clothes and bedding washed. Not everyone is the same, so these things vary.
Write simple instructions for what to throw away from the fridge. We know that sometimes things are discarded too soon, and other times left for too long, so it can be good to have instructions.
Write instructions on how your loved one likes tea / coffee / certain meals – the carers may not always be the same ones due to holiday or sickness, so although most agencies will try to send the same person, this helps towards a seamless handover.
Write instructions for the dishwasher. Not everyone has one or knows how to use it. They could wash up instead so you can suggest that if you think it’s easier.
Let the carers know what day the bin collection is and what things can be recycled or not. This varies from borough to borough, and can differ in blocks of flats, so this information makes it easier for everyone.
Let the carers know if they should answer the phone or not, and what you would like them to say if your loved one cannot speak (either indisposed or doesn’t have capacity).
Make a note if there’s anything else you would like them to do. It could be to charge the iPad once a week, or to make sure certain lights are left on. They won’t know if you don’t tell them.
Make sure you have enough toiletries for your loved one, or set up deliveries so they can’t run out.
Hopefully the above practical suggestions will help the transition go smoothly.
We started our weekly short blogs a year ago on December 21st with a reminder to look out for your loved ones over this Christmas when you go to visit them. And we thought it was worthwhile repeating the message.
Whilst you are with your relatives and friends and having a lovely festive and relaxed time, they may not want to tell you about anything happening to them as they may feel too proud or embarrassed, or be in denial (or all three). However, you may notice some changes to them and their home which are worth noting.
Keep an eye out for:
Are they using a stick when they haven’t before?
Are they holding onto walls or furniture to steady themselves?
Is their home less clean than it used to be? Perhaps there are smells you didn’t notice before or a bit more dust?
What’s in the fridge that shouldn’t be (things that don’t belong there or things that have gone off!)?
Are their normally organised papers in a mess?
Are they a bit forgetful?
And another thing to look out for is that they don’t want to invite you into their home whereas they did before.
Just make a mental note of any of these things and stay tuned for next week’s advice on how to talk to them about these changes.
